Behind the Scenes
by Jstonedd
Summary: Just a normal day with the Glee writers and their plans to ruin the show. Crack!Fic, Parody. Achele undertones.
1. Chapter 1

**Behind the Scenes - Crack!Fic series. A parody about everything that's going wrong with Glee.**

**This chapter:**

**Based on: **The cut Faberry wedding scene. And the Twitter Riot that it caused along with Ryan Murphy blocking the Faberry trends as spams.

**Sources: **Tumblr, Twitter.

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><p>"Ryan, it's happening again," Ian uneasily said, his eyes trained on the display of his cellphone.<p>

"Which beard do we have to hire for our actors again?" Ryan absently murmered as he was focused on winning this damn tic-tac-toe game. The computer was always one step ahead of him. He needed a strategy, a plan with continuity – ah forget it.

"No, not that. Though I'm still not happy with the choice of Captain Stupid for Dianna, but, oh well." Ian's voice got smaller with the last sentence, but he quickly cleared his throat and continued, "You see, _Faberry_ is trending on Twitter again."

"Sounds familiar. Is it maybe something I should already know about but still ignore?" Ryan narrowed his eyes. He was so close to winning. Just one more cross at the right place.

Ian scratched his neck. "Uh – yes."

"NO!" Ryan yelled, hitting his desk with the palm of his hand.

Ian startled. "What?"

"I just lost! Again! I don't get it, why don't I learn from my mistakes?"

The door to the office flew open, revealing a distressed Brad.

"Heard the news?" he asked Ian and got a grave nod in reply. "How can they know that we cut the scenes? We're not even sure about that."

"I don't think that that is the sole reason for the Faberry Twitter riot," Ian thoughtfully said. Behind him, Ryan had started another round of tic-tac-toe, muttering, "I'll get it right this time."

Brad ran a hand through his hair. "So you mean they noticed the lack of continuity in Quinn's character?"

"Not only that," Ian replied, raising his phone where he was logged in on his Twitter account. "They say that Rachel's character is turning OOC."

"OOC?" Ryan looked up from his computer. "Her decision to marry Finn is completely _in _character. She's been Finn-obsessed since season one. Ha, and people tell me that I don't know how to keep continuity in my stories."

"Yeah, but what about her dream to get into NYADA? That's all we wrote about in the first few episodes of season 3 and now it's all about the wedding." Brad massaged his forehead. Logic was a painful thing.

"Speaking of the wedding, is Quinn now actually pro or against it?" Ian carefully asked Ryan who cursed under his breath as he had lost another round of tic-tac-toe.

Irritated, he looked up. "I'll decide that when the promo's already out and make a last change one day before the episode airs."

"But," Brad doubtfully said, "won't people notice the missing scene?"

Ryan turned back to his computer screen. "Pah, no one noticed the missing storyline of Beth in season two."

"Well, yes they did. That's actually why you dealt with it in the first few episodes of this season."

Ryan just growled. But maybe that was because he was losing again.

"What do we do now?" Ian asked. Brad just shrugged.

"We do what we do best," Ryan said from behind his computer.

"Ruin Brittana's storyline?" Brad offered.

"Change Quinn's character from crazy to nice to angry to supportive?" Ian added.

"Ruin Rachel's storyline?"

"Cut scenes with no reason though they've already aired in the promo?"

"Ruin the show?"

"Upset the majority of our fandom?"

Ryan stared at them two, his eyes unblinking. Then he absently stroked his bald head.

"We ignore all of them, of course," he said like it had been the right answer from the beginning. "Bitches will still watch our show."

Ian and Brad shared a wary look. In that very moment, the door burst open again, and an irritated Lea strutted in, followed by a nervous Dianna.

The short brunette walked up to Ryan's desk and slammed a stack of papers onto his desk.

"What's that?" the bald man asked in confusion.

"Your crappy script," Lea huffed. "I just needed something to slam on your desk. You know, for dramatic effect."

Ryan simply stared at her.

"Lea honey, we came here for a reason," Dianna gently reminded her from behind.

"Yeah, right," Lea said, crossing her arms. "I'm tired of shooting so many Finchel kissing scenes. I always have to crane my neck so much and it's freaking uncomfortable. Also, I want more Faberry scenes with not-so-subtle undertones of our sexual frustration."

Ryan still stared at her.

"Well, Lea," Ian started, "I'm sorry, but everybody loves Finchel."

"Yeah, and we already have two gay couples on the show," Brad apologeticly said. "Our show is still kinda mainstream, our main characters must remain straight."

Lea was about to give them a rant à la Rachel Berry when Dianna laid a soothing hand on her arm.

"Let me handle this," she softly said in her gentle voice, before she turned to Ryan with a glare.

"Why do you enjoy fucking up my storyline so much, huh? You can't just knock me up and then not deal with it in season two, and you can't turn me into a skunk-"

"Skank."

"Whatever, and make me look I've gone insane and like a baby-stealing maniac. And then you got me accepted in Yale, just so I can die on some road somewhere. And all that crap about magazines saying that we hardly know what we want at such a young age, and two episodes later, you want me to hook up with one of the worst impersonations of a teen jesus?"

The three men stared at her, speechless. Lea stared at her as well, turned on. But Dianna wasn't finished.

"And if I ever have to witness one Finchel kiss again, I swear I'mma puke on set. I'm against their wedding dammit, you can't just cut that scene out! Our Faberry fans need that scene for gifs and fan videos and manips and fanfictions!"

Dianna panted heavily in anger. Lea quickly grabbed her arm and pulled her out of the office.

"Angry trailer sex, now."

Ian and Brad looked after them, somewhat lost before Ryan spoke up again.

"Did she just question my authority? No more screen time for her for the rest of this season."

"Does this mean that Brittany will get more screen time?" Ian asked.

Ryan blinked. "Brittany? Who's Brittany?"

"Santana's girlfriend. She only had one-liners in the last few episodes besides 'Heart'."

"That Asian girl?"

Brad face-palmed and Ian tried to remain patient. "No, though she needs more screen time as well. I mean the blonde girl, which Heather plays."

"Yeah, what about her?"

"Will she get more screen time in later episodes?"

Ryan scoffed. "Of course not, that's reserved for Finchel and other new characters who suddenly appear in the show with no pre-story."

Ian sighed. "Alright."

"Wait," Brad said. "We still haven't solved that Faberry problem."

"It's gonna disappear from itself," Ryan dismissively said, turning back to his computer. He needed to win this damn tic-tac-toe game. Just for once.

"I don't think so," Ian doubtfully said. "Quite on the contrary, I believe it will get bigger."

"We will only react when it's already too late and everything blows up in my face," Ryan muttered.

"Okay. Till then?"

"Till then, we'll keep shoving Finchel into their throats. If they think that season three is hard, just wait for season four. This show has potential for more fucked-up storylines."

"Erm..." Ian unsurely hummed.

"For example that Asian couple. It's too perfect. I'll let the dancer dude cheat on her."

"Okay..." Brad trailed off.

"Oh, and guys?" Ryan added, and the other two men in the room warily replied, "Yeah?"

"Next time Faberry or whatever it is called is trending, just block it as spam. And tell Dianna to stop trolling on Tumblr or fangirling over Lea. They need to look like outstanding heterosexuals."

"Okay." Brad and Ian suppressed a sigh of relief as they tip-toed out of the office.

"ARGH! I LOST AGAIN!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Not a direct follow-up to the first chapter. Just One-Shots about a regular day in RIB's life.**

**Based on: **Quinn's plotline in season 3, the wedding, everything that's wrong.

**Sources:** Tumblr.

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><p>"Ryan, it's happening -"<p>

"Again. I know."

Ian looked up from his cellphone, surprised. "You know about the Faberry fans raging about the cut Faberry scene on Tumblr and Twitter?"

Ryan stared at him, forgetting about his tic-tac-toe game with the computer for a moment. "You're not talking about hiring a beard for Naya?"

Slowly replying, Ian shot him a weird look. "Erm, no. At least one actress should remain single for the fans to dream about." The last sentence was whispered to himself. "Anyway, I'm talking about our Faberry problem that we haven't solved last time."

Ryan shrugged his shoulders and turned back to his tic-tac-toe game because he intended on winning this damn thing. Never mind developing deep storylines or pondering on how to keep the show interesting and flowing. "Bitches will still watch our show," he muttered to himself.

"You've already said that," Ian pointed out. "Anyway, to do some damage control, I suggest to release the cut scene to tame the Faberry fans. People are starting to notice their power. Their fandom's growing everyday."

"I'd rather give that asian girl more lines than releasing that scene," Ryan mumbled. He had to focus. Focus on what was important and what he needed to do to win, so he set the cross at the right bottom corner and he - "SHIT, I LOST AGAIN! Why do I suck so much at continuity?"

The door to the office burst open and Brad hurried in, quickly closing the door behind him before he leaned against it with his back.

"What's up?" Ian asked with one raised eyebrow.

"Nothing," Brad immediately said, "just -"

"OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!" a shrill female voice yelled at the other side of the door.

"Just Lea freaking out again?" Ian offered him. Brad tiredly nodded.

"Honey, it's not a solution to yell at the door," a soft voice that clearly belonged to Dianna was to be heard. "You have to smash it like Were!Quinn would!"

Brad did what saved him his life. He jumped away from the door like in action movies, just in time to escape the flying pieces of the door.

Ryan grunted behind his computer. "What did I say about not trolling on Tumblr and Fanfiction? Anyways, Lion!Quinn is way hotter."

Dianna stepped into the room like a boss, crossing her arms like a boss. And Lea fangirled over her like a boss.

"I'm sick of having to see Finchel on screen and I'm even sicker of having to see Finchel off screen!"

"Is 'sicker' a word?"

"It is, because nothing can describe the overloaded sickness of Finchel!" Dianna stated confidently.

"And you!" she accusingly pointed to Ryan who was scratching his bald head, attention still on his tic-tac-toe game. "You better give my Faberrians the deleted Faberry scene! Or I'll pretend that my account got hacked and I'll release all the Faberry scenes which might look like sex tapes between me and Lea which they're not, especially not that one where I have a strap-on and pretend to have a g!p, but, anyways – I will do it!"

Ryan just shrugged. "If you do that, I'll let you die after you had an accident with your wheelchair, right before the Nationals. And then I'll make Rachel pregnant with Finn's baby in season four. We can never have too much Finchel. And then I'll let them marry again."

At this, Lea snapped out of her Dianna-induced sex fantasy.

"What? Hell no, why don't _you _marry Finn then?" she bit out.

Ryan actually looked up from his computer for once. "You think we'd be cute together?"

Silence. Then -

"If you let Rachel date Quinn, then yes," Lea said with a painful smile. "Whatever it takes to see no more Finchel."

"Yeah," Dianna agreeingly nodded. "Murphy and Hudson, Mudson, my new OTP."

Ryan leaned back in his chair, now forgotton about his tic-tac-toe game which he still hadn't won once. After 343 matches.

"No, it's Rinn," Ian added under his breath.

"Fryan," Brad pretended to sneeze as he quickly said it.

"Hurphy," Lea whistled and looked at somewhere next to her.

"Hm...I like Fart better," Ryan suddenly stated and everybody stared at him.

"Fart? Where does the -art part come from?" Ian asked him, puzzled.

Ryan snickered and shook his head, "No, I'm not talking bout me and Finn. Though Mudson does sound very appealing to me."

Lea whispered to Diana, "How can 'mud' and 'son' sound appealing to him? That son of a mud."

"Anyways," Ryan continued, "I was talking about Quinn Fabray and Joe Hart. Ship name is Fart. Clever, isn't it?"

Dianna stared at him blankly. "Who the hell is Joe Hart?"

"That kid with the dread locks? Teen jesus? The one Quinn's gonna want to spend the rest of her life with even though they've never said to each other more than two sentences? You know, that Joe which I created to fuck up Quinn's storyline some more, to make her look like a hypocritical?"

Lea scowled at him. "Lea Michele does not approve."

"You mean Rachel Berry," Ian gently reminded her, but she shook her head.

"You think I'm mixing up the show with my real life?" she said. "Then yes, you're right! Getting paid one grand for each tweet about '#YayFinchel' isn't enough because it mentally hurts me a lot more than it's worth for one grand! And it's stupid that I get fined five grand for every Faberry tweet."

"Thank God I've got an anon account on Twitter to participate in Faberry Twitter riots..." Dianna muttered to herself. "Or I'd be poor as hell."

"No buts!" Ryan loudly said. "Who the hell decided to shoot this Faberry scene anyway? Don't they know that no later than release of the promo, that I will see it and cut it again?"

Ian and Brad shared a wary look. "We actually voted about it in one of our meetings. Everbody voted in favor of Faberry and you didn't veto, so it got filmed."

"What?" Ryan exclaimed. "Why can't I remember?"

"You were playing that tic-tac-toe game. When we asked you about it, you just nodded and said 'Yeah, whatever'."

"Well, I thought I was about to win." Ryan scratched his head before his face lit up. "I'm too clever for this world. First giving them that scene in the promo, then cut it from the episode. Instead, I fill the cut five minutes with a lame Dracula scene where he takes long fucking five minutes to read out the winners of Sectionals. And then I make the Achele subtext -"

"He's been trolling," Ian muttered to Brad who agreeingly nodded.

"-into text and let people think it's Faberry, then I get Quinn in a car accident and to make this all funnier, I ordered a seven weeks hiatus. Half of our show consists of hiatus."

"Lea Michele still doesn't approve."

"Why is Quinn always the one with the g!p?"

Dianna was lucky that nobody had heard her musings.

"And just when the Faberry fans think that Faberry actually has a chance – I'll let Quinn hook up with some dude who washes his hair twice a year, and finish the Finchel wedding. Oh, and then I'll put the main focus on Blaine's out-of-nowhere-appearing brother. Amazing."

At this point, Lea had gotten so angry that she had grabbed Dianna's arm and pulled her out of the office.

"Mad trailer sex, now!"

Dianna looked thrilled. "Do I get to be Punk!Quinn?"

"If I get to be Kitten!Rachel."

Brad and Ian stared at the door that fell close behind the two actresses.

"Maybe we should start looking into Tumblr? Just in case? You know, to have some insider knowledge? It would do our show some good to gain a new perspective."

Brad nodded at Ian's suggestion. "Okay, but with no feelings attached. No fangirling over good manips and fanfics."

Ryan had long started to play his tic-tac-toe game again. He swore on everything that was holy to him – on Finchel, on his yellow beanie, on his crappy talent to write storylines with continuity – he needed to win that game.

So he didn't notice when his two co-workers left his office to do some trolling.

–

Two hours later.

Ian and Brad were sobbing quietly as they watched a sad Faberry fanvideo.

"They're so perfect for each other," Ian hoarsely whispered. Brad slowly nodded before he lowly said, "Ian?"

"Yes, Brad?"

"We are screwed, aren't we?

"If you mean being so emotionally invested in Faberry 24/7 that you start hyperventilating everytime you hear 'Chapel of Love' or read 'On my way' somewhere?"

"Mhm-hm."

"Yes, Brad. We are so fucking faberrily screwed."


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning: Spoilers 4x14**

**Based on: **The rumors regarding 4x14 and generally the sadness and tragedy that is season 4.

**Sources:** Tumblr.

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><p>"I don't understand, I just don't understand," Ryan repeatedly muttered to himself, his narrowed eyes stuck on the screen in front of him. "Why...why do the ratings keep sinking...sinking like the quality of my show?"<p>

Brad ignored his colleague and started humming to block out Ryan's crazy muttering. He scratched his neck. He was in the middle of thinking up another point to the list of plot lines that were still unused in the Glee verse, but he couldn't come up with anything that they hadn't at least used twice.

"How about...pregnancy? It's been three seasons, I think we can use that again," Brad mused quietly, carefully noting down his first idea in weeks.

"I don't know man," Ian tonelessly remarked, not taking his eyes off his paper plane that he was making out of the cheap scripts. "Dealing with sensitive topics is not our kind of thing."

"Yeah but that doesn't stop us from trying and failing miserably," Brad tiredly replied and set an exclamation mark behind his idea. Not because it was particularly brilliant, but because it was the only idea he had collected until now.

Ian shrugged and gave up on finishing his paper plane; in all his years working for Ryan, he had forgotten how to bring things to an honorable end.

"And who would be pregnant this time?" Ian asked out of boredom, staring at the naked walls of their office. He had seen other show writers' offices before, their walls were covered with plot lines and character development charts and many more details that even some hardcore fans hadn't noticed. He sighed. When he had suggested doing the same to their office, Ryan had almost broken his arm. Apparently, they didn't need this to keep track with the progress of their show. Or lack of progress.

"I don't know yet. Do we have any straight couples that aren't broken up?" Brad chewed on his pencil.

"Yeah, that Jake and Marley couple," Ian said. "I'm not sure 'bout Sam and Brittany though, I don't know to which extent they're being serious."

"Alright, but another high school pregnancy is boring."

"Generally the topic of early pregnancy has become boring."

Brad glared at Ian who had taken out his phone and was browsing through Twitter.

"I just can't find good storylines," Brad said with a scowl. "Do you have an idea?"

"Bring back the focus on the main glee cast?" Ian absently mumbled as he twittered with his anonymous Twitter account, "#Tired of Finchel"

"Nah man, Ryan said to leave the past. New is better," Brad quoted. "And I don't even know what happened to half of the main cast. Where's Dianna anyway?"

At the mention of Dianna's name, Ryan suddenly shot up from his seat and swiped his laptop off the table with a furious yell. He had been indifferent towards their conversation until now; he seemed to have awakened from a deep slumber.

"That bitch!" he growled. "She kept sabotaging Finchel by putting so much subtext into every scene she had with Lea until the fandom grew aware of Faberry."

Ian looked up with sudden interest, pausing with his Twitter trending campaign. "Maybe we shouldn't have written their lines with so much room for interpretation."

"What the fuck do you mean, it's perfectly clear that they hated each other and now are only friends at best," Ryan impatiently said. "And they are not gay."

Ian rolled his eyes and continued to tweet. He could feel that it was going to be a trend, he just had to incite his followers and fellow fans in the fandom.

"I still don't know where Dianna is," Brad muttered, doodling on his paper.

Ryan flinched at her name as he picked up his laptop, checking if the screen was still showing low ratings of his former hit show. It did and he angrily threw it to the ground again, finally breaking it in half.

Ian pointed to his phone. "According to Twitter and other sources, she's living the sweet life. You know, bitches all over her and she's hanging with De Niro for a movie. And I think she's sometimes high."

"What?" Ryan hissed. "That was why she looked so happy when I told her she wouldn't be a steady character on the show anymore. That bitch."

"Maybe we were too hard on her?" Brad carefully asked.

"Non-sense," Ryan dismissively muttered. He started pacing up and down the room. "Someone's gotta take one for the team, you know, do the hard job and I won't stain my babies Finchel or Klaine with that."

Ian didn't bother to listen anymore. He was happily browsing through Tumblr and getting misty eyes once in a while over beautiful gif sets of his OTPs.

"But we've got to bring Quinn back a couple of times, it's getting part of our fans and ratings back as well," Brad cautiously said, watching Ryan grimace at her name.

"Why?" Ryan exclaimed in exasperation. "Why can't they just love the new characters I have forced on the show with crappy backstories?"

"Character development," Ian randomly threw in, thinking this demand would fit in in every conversation involving Glee's plot.

Not reacting to Ian, Ryan suddenly turned to Brad, snapped with his fingers and said, "I've got a brilliant idea. Write it down."

"Yeah?" Brad sceptically asked.

Ian snorted and quickly covered it up as a cough when Ryan glared at him.

"You two have been nagging me about a decent lesbian storyline that doesn't put the lesbianness in the foreground but portrays a healthy relationship between two girls."

Ian dropped his phone and didn't bother to pick it up. He held his breath and shared a hopeful look with Brad. Could it be?

"A relationship which is equal to the hetero pairings we have on the show," Brad eagerly added.

Ian cleared his throat. "Preferrably between a blonde and brunette with lots of history and subtext."

"And in the past they've shown each other again and again how much they actually care for each other though everybody thinks they hate each other."

"And it's the one pairing with the best development and continuity."

They both bounced on their seats in giddiness. This was the best day of their lives.

Ryan slowly nodded and hummed thoughtfully. "Yes, exactly. A pairing with all of these aspects...well, there's not many choices left..."

Ian excitedly leaned towards Brad and nudged him, whispering to him, "All the years of smuggling subtext into Faberry finally pays out..."

"I have decided," Ryan loudly announced and his two colleagues started squeaking, "to let Quinn hook up with..."

Ian and Brad trembled with emotions and were about to cry in joy when Ryan destroyed their dream bubble with a needle, "Santana."

Both Ian and Brad slid off their chairs until they lied on the floor, beneath the table next to each other, staring blankly at the underside of the table.

This was the worst day of their lives.

"What..."

"In the name of..."

"Faberry..."

"Is he planning this time again?"

"Guys?" Ryan asked in confusion, shortly glancing under the table to check on them before he stood straight again. "Don't you think it's a great idea? They have history and yeah, okay, maybe we haven't put that much effort into the evolution of their relationship like we did to Quinn's and Rachel's -"

Ian winced at that and Brad soothingly patted his shoulder.

"- and yeah, maybe we could have had Santana more involved in Quinn's pregnancy other than her trying to steal Puck -"

Brad and Ian remained still on the floor.

" - and okay, having Santana move on from one blonde to another, from one best friend to another, from one episode to another may be harsh -"

"Three seasons," Ian whimpered, "three seasons of developing Faberry's storyline..."

"I know, Ian, I know," Brad whispered.

" - and well, even if I'm upsetting two large fandoms, at least I'm pleasing one smaller fandom, and I've never thought highly about the lesbian fandoms anyway, which they must have noticed since that episode of Santana coming out-"

"Involuntarily, Ryan," Brad loudly said from under table.

Ryan hummed. "Right, Finn involuntarily outed her."

"Please kill me," Ian begged Brad, who countered, "You kill me first."

"No you kill me first."

"Or we wait. Glee will kill us both."

Oblivious of his colleagues' struggles, Ryan clapped his hands in happiness. "Finally! A plot that will be interesting! I better write that down – ha, what am I talking about, I'll improvise of course!"

The bald man skipped out of the office, leaving Ian and Brad still lying beneath the table. They didn't intend to ever get up again.

"I don't know if I can do this, man, I heard they signed for a fifth season," Brad breathlessly said.

"Nooo," Ian wailed and rolled his head from side to side.

"Hey bro, you gotta look at it this way," Brad suddenly said and placed his hand upon Ian's moving head to stop him from getting dizzy. "There's hope, you know. We just have to be clever with our writing. More subtext, more pushes into the right direction. And around season five, by the time Lea – I mean, Rachel realizes that she doesn't need a man to feel good about herself, we can bring Faberry back in a reunion."

Ian's expression instantly brightened. Then he frowned. "But isn't it cruel to leave the Faberry fans hanging on rather than letting them go?"

Brad let out a sad sigh. "That's the price they pay for loving a ship that isn't canon."


End file.
